


What Mages Are Like

by bomberqueen17



Series: Meet Death Sitting [11]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Multi, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, Wolf Pack Dynamics, don't fret netflix fans there's an explainer, gratuitous overexplanation of throwaway crackiness, i just wrote you 9k of ot3 porn, it was supposed to be funny and then it was a little dark, the ot3 tag is background, there's no more in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25640818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bomberqueen17/pseuds/bomberqueen17
Summary: So this is an epilogue to The Ancient Sea and occurs immediately after its last chapter. I wanted to tie up the loose end of Lambert's bullet journal, and it was supposed to be funny but then I made myself sad, slightly.But then I also made myself giggle so like, it all worked out. I hope someone besides me thinks this is funny too, but like, if nobody does, at least I do, y'know?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Lambert, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Lambert/Keira Metz
Series: Meet Death Sitting [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1639717
Comments: 52
Kudos: 316





	What Mages Are Like

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to include this immediately _in_ Ancient Sea, because the end tag is post-Witcher 3 and I don't actually want to commit to actually approving of all of the events of that game's storylines, and it's kind of cracky, and-- anyway.  
> Namely, it's predicated on all of the quests involving the mage Kiera Metz from a Towerful of Mice on up through For The Advancement Of Learning coming out with the happiest possible ending (i.e., Kiera coming to Kaer Morhen instead of being murdered in various horrible ways, possibly by Geralt himself), which, like, fine, I certainly don't regret her not getting impaled on spikes or whatever even if she was the most Written By A Man character ever to be included in this entire game which is saying a lot,  
> buuuuuuut it also sort of implies that I accept that all of the events of Following The Thread (i.e. Lambert's Quest To Avenge His Murdered Boyfriend) took place as described and I'm just... not willing to consider that. So. Ha see the end notes about that.
> 
>  **If you are a Netflix fan** and don't know what any of that means, **all you need to know** is that at some point when Ciri's like 19 and Heavy Shit is going on out in the world, a pretty blonde bimbo-presenting nerd of a sorceress who has never worn a whole shirt in her life named Kiera Metz shows up at Kaer Morhen after a complicated series of events involving Geralt, and later dramatically saves Lambert's life if you get the good ending (I'm told, I never made it that far).

Geralt laughed at himself, finding he had sore muscles in his legs that made it hard to walk. Yennefer and Jaskier were still in bed but had declared themselves too hungry to sleep, and he’d forbidden Yennefer from portaling in any food, on the basis of several considerations not least the entire reason she’d come here (which was to prevent any other sorcerers knowing that anyone lived at Kaer Morhen), but also any kind of magical summoning, even just her retrieving food from the kitchen here, would set off everyone’s medallions and he very much did not want Vesemir bursting in the door, sword drawn, to find them all in-- well, in the states they were in. So he’d cleaned himself up and poured his jelly-legs into his trousers and was dressed respectably enough and was going to bring them back provisions.

(He’d had some food stashed in his room but they’d made quick work of that. He was ravenous, himself, so he’d let them have what there was. It was hard work lolling about letting several people make love to you, he’d discovered. He had rather a lot of laughing at himself to do, tonight, but it was a pleasant change from his usual.)

He wasn’t surprised, when he paused at the door, to scent Lambert lurking in the hallway, but as he went through the door he was startled to discover that the man was sitting at the junction of the corridors with a candle, writing furiously in his little book. Of course there’d been a silencing charm on the door and Lambert hadn’t heard him coming, and that meant he’d caught him, fair and square.

He eased the door shut behind himself, and Lambert looked up alertly at the change in air currents, caught sight of Geralt, and scowled furiously. 

“Hey, Lambert,” Geralt said, and stepped away from the door. 

“Fucking _silencing charms_ ,” Lambert said viciously, and he wasn’t angry at being caught. He was _furious_ in a way that clearly indicated he was upset, sad or frightened or both, and it set Geralt a little off-balance; he’d planned on getting in a fight about it, but this rather disarmed him. 

“People don’t like being spied on,” Geralt said, going with a milder version of the line he’d intended to start the fight with because he didn’t know what else to say. 

“Between your fucking mage and Eskel’s,” Lambert said, nearly frantic, “there’s no sound in this whole fucking place.”

“It’s all right,” Geralt said, frowning.

“How the _fuck_ am I supposed to keep watch,” Lambert said, furious and transparently terrified, half out of his mind with it-- it was years since Geralt had seen him like this. Lambert pushed to his feet, shoving his book into the front of his gambeson.

“Hey,” Geralt said, “hey--”

“Don’t _hey_ me,” Lambert said, and his voice shook as he stalked closer. “Don’t fucking _hey_ me. They could be doing _anything_ to you in there and I wouldn’t know.”

“They-- I mean, they were,” Geralt said. “They’re my--”

“I don’t know them,” Lambert said, wild-eyed. “I don’t fucking _know_ them. They could do _anything_. They could be pulling your guts out through your asshole while you scream and I would just be sitting here like a _dumbfuck_ doing fucking _nothing_ because I _can’t hear shit_.”

“Lambert,” Geralt said, dismayed. Lambert was ridiculous but he also wasn’t wrong. Nobody had asked him to keep watch but Geralt knew he did it anyway, had known, and he probably should’ve expected this. 

This was like hitting the point in a prank war where suddenly you’d gone way too far and there wasn’t a graceful way back. Lambert had him partway cornered now against the wall, like he was going to attack or something, and maybe he didn’t even realize that was what he was doing; all the Wolves got vicious when they were afraid and Lambert maybe worst of all.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lambert said, raw and bitter. Geralt grabbed him around the shoulders and then, when he didn’t get hit, pulled him in close, embracing him. 

“Lambert,” he said, and Lambert was stiff in his arms but let him do it. He put his fingers around the back of Lambert’s neck and leaned his head down a little against the other’s. “Lambert. It’s all right. I’m sorry. I didn’t think, I should’ve told her not to.”

Lambert took a sharp breath like he was going to talk, but then didn’t, gritting his teeth audibly. “You know what mages are like,” he said, quieter. 

“I do,” Geralt said. “I do, Lambert. I’m sorry.”

Lambert took a slower breath, then let it out. “She could kill you,” he said. “She could kill you like _nothing_. She could kill _all of us_.”

“I’m aware,” Geralt said, not even making it sarcastic. 

Lambert put his arms around Geralt’s waist, rubbed his forehead against Geralt’s shoulder like he was scratching an itch, and said bleakly, “Fuck, you smell like you got fucked half to death.”

“Mm,” Geralt said, kissed Lambert soundly on the forehead, and patted him on the shoulder. “Now so do you.” He let him go, and moved away down the hallway.

“Ugh,” Lambert said, stepping back a couple of paces and pivoting to watch him. “Melitele’s tits, you _walk_ like you got fucked half to death. Geralt! What did they do to you!”

“Fucked me half to death,” Geralt said smugly. Lambert fell in next to him, half-running a couple of steps to catch up. 

“What-- that’s not how I thought that was going to go,” Lambert mused, almost to himself.

“I thought you knew everything there was to know about my sex life,” Geralt commented mildly.

“I thought so too,” Lambert said. He frowned. “Don’t you usually switch?”

That was more than Geralt had really thought Lambert knew. But he should have guessed Lambert would have that kind of detail. “Well,” he said, adopting an extremely patient voice as if Lambert were a small child, “when there are three people, that’s one more person who needs a turn, so.”

“Wait, she--” His eyebrows went up as he considered something. 

“I’m very fair,” Geralt said.

“You are,” Lambert said faintly. “Wait, how did she--” He frowned. “No.”

“You know what mages are like,” Geralt said, with a shrug and a self-satisfied little smirk.

Lambert looked at him sidelong for a moment, then looked straight ahead, brow furrowed in deep thought, then slid him another sidelong look. “I _thought_ I knew what mages are like,” he said.

“Well,” Geralt said, “now you know more.”

* * *

_Approximately a decade later in a timeline where Geralt gets the good ending of the Towerful of Mice/ Favor for a Friend / For The Advancement Of Learning quest sequence_

This Kiera Metz bitch was something else, and Lambert had almost thrown her right back out of the keep when she’d shown up demanding clean sheets, but she’d been useful right off the bat, had helped them with the emergency repairs to the roof, and then he’d gotten her drunk in thanks and she’d admitted that she’d slept with Geralt and had then enchanted him and left him naked on a beach, and that had been so much fun Lambert had decided to let her stay.

But now she was looking speculatively at him, and he’d, well-- since-- _things_ \-- he really hadn’t gotten around much, hadn’t really caved much to his appetites or, y’know, let his shriveled heart out of its very small cage, but the way she was looking at him, well--

“So,” he said, blunt as he usually was, “see, the thing is, I ah. I heard some things about mages, from Geralt actually…”

“We all know about him and Yennefer,” Kiera said, rolling her eyes. “I told him I didn’t care about his feelings, I just wanted his dick.”

“Well,” Lambert said. “Some things more specifically…”

It took him a few tries to make himself understood, but Kiera’s eyebrows went all the way up as soon as she caught his drift. “Oh?” she said. “Um, yeah, I’m perfectly capable, and what’s more, _willing_.”

Lambert hadn’t blushed in about eighty years but he did then. She grinned slowly in delight. “My friend,” she said, “I think we’re about to have ourselves a hell of a time.”

“I mean,” Lambert said. “I’m pretty good at dick too, if you need some of that, but.”

“We can trade off,” she said. 

“It’s a deal,” he said. 

* * *

It wasn’t until almost a year later that he fully realized that a woman didn’t need to be a mage to wield a strap-on, but by then he was in too deep. Er, or, uh, well. Whatever. 

Point was, it was good.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah yeah I'm probably going to have to keep writing this series, there's at least one more story yet. 
> 
> Maybe this is a bit much for a throwaway gag (Lambert Gets Pegged y'all), but this is my story and I do what I want even if it's unnecessarily convoluted, and I have NEVER met a joke I couldn't overexplain.
> 
> (OK the gag is not that Lambert gets pegged, listen pegging is a really noble thing and one of the delights of this earth. The gag is that Lambert doesn't know pegging is a thing a regular lady could do too and he thinks he needs a sorceress for it, and that's the only reason he reconciles himself to a sorceress at all, since in canon he's so goddamn hostile to all the woman mages [all the mages full stop?] except for Kiera and in her case it's because she saves his cranky ass from the Wild Hunt buuuut my way is funnier.)
> 
> (Also if like me you learned that Lambert had a murdered boyfriend in the quest intro to Following the Thread and said "well that character about whom we know nothing except that Lambert loved him and he's dead is _definitely_ not dead" you should read [this story by Anoke](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25129732) where Aiden's not dead, though I'm only guessing yet how it ends, as it's a WIP.)


End file.
